What on earth happened to me???? Where I was for the past 2.5 years

So...... how to begin....

It's been a while hasn't it? I haven't posted in over two years and all of my faithful readers are probably long gone. (Please understand that was a joke, I don't think I had any faithful readers... please tell me you see the pun there! Please!) Any way my life has really changed a lot since I've last posted. This blog is kind of like the Star Wars franchise I guess, with the whole long-awaited sequel thing happening.

1) I came to terms with some sort of religious understanding. Although I can't say I'm an ironclad believer, I have come to have an understanding of religion. It's about choice. In my opinion, you can't prove nor disprove the existence of a creator/god/diety/chuck norris (especially because if god can just make you want to have that choice so he can make anything appear in a way to potentially fool you). That being said, to me faith is about choosing what you want to believe. I made a choice to stay within the confines of Judaism. Not the radical    (I started writing this a while ago, clearly that didn't last very long)

 I got married! Yes I know, mazal tov mazal tov. The short story: While in college, I met a wonderful girl from a MO family. I didn't shidduch date or get pushed into it. We dated for quite a while (I must admit, we were not "shomer" oy very!), eventually got engaged, and finally married. Here is where we start to get to the issues: while we are not the world's most religious couple, religion is something that matters very much to my lovely wife. After I started dating her, my feelings about religion changed too. I was much more at ease about stuff knowing that not everyone is super in-the-box and that I could live in a religious home and be ok. She doesn't mind that I don't go to shul except on shabbos (most weeks). We keep the basic taharat hamishpachah rules, but not all the small stuff they say you can or can't do. We keep kosher. I have put on tallis and tefillin every day since I met her too.  I though that, seeing as I really don't mind this lifestyle at all, my lack of intellectual belief in the tenets wouldn't pose a problem for me.

Recently this has started to change. I find it harder and harder to go along with this stuff that I just don't believe in. I don't know what to do. My wife knows I have very interesting views on Jewish topics and I don't believe all the typical in the box thoughts. She does not know, however, of my lack of core internal belief in the tenets.

I don't know what to do. I wish I could be honest with her, I just don't know how she will react. A story that gives me hope is that one shabbos I accidentally turned off a light switch with my shoulder when I leaned against the wall. My wife wasn't happy about that cuz she (obviously) didn't want to sit in the dark all night. So she just came over and pushed the light back on with her shoulder. So she isn't exactly Ms Frummy of the Year.

Sigh... anyway I guess I'm back for now. I'll update more about my current situation later.

I'm Back... Back in the New York Groove....